I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
