life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
