the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
she smelled like a LAN party
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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