people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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