dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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