i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
