I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
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