what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
