If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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