It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
