I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
