if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
