The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize