Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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