Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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