mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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