In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
