Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
