Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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