see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize