I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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