I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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