I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
