some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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