New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
