he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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