The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
