mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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