One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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