Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
