I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
