I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
