Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
