Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize