Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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