Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
