im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
