I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
