K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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