i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
