So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
