I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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