drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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