Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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