Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
