My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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