i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
