I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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