Sry I called you an 8
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
