K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My penis needs a shock collar
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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