I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
