god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize