This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
