so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
