THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Pants are for mortals
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
