I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
