tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Someone signed my nipple.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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