When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize