Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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