did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
