you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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